Well, this week, my old man, Sir Duke Saber and I, had our physicals and bloodwork.
He is a senior dog, down from 40 pounds to 26 (I envy him) who has earned his arthritis. His Vet prescribed daily anti-inflammatory meds and to spoil him with wet food. She expressed he has outlived his life expectancy so, deny him nothing. Again, I envy him!
Never has a doctor said such to me about me. It’s always, moderation, moderation, moderation…or elimination, elimination, elimination! LMBO. Of course, somehow, I gained Duke’s lost 14 pounds. I guess out of loyalty. WTF!?
Grateful, that most of my bloodwork ranges are normal. You know the usual Vitamin D and B12 levels could be improved. Of course, my doctor was not as generous as Duke’s Vet. I was threatened with more and consistent weekly physical fitness, adjusting for a moderately boring diet, increase water intake, and to commit to a vitamin regimen. This is exactly why I do not visit her A$$ but ONCE A YEAR.
Insert gratitude:
Thank you LAWD for the blessing of not needing frequent medical visits. Amen.
Thoroughly motivated, I replaced my smart watch / fitness tracker (stolen from Jet Blue’s JFK’s Baggage staff. Maybe, they too contributed to my weight gain. This too I must ponder;) and decided to visit that gym I was religiously tithing to but, I guess my money is not enough, they want my time, blood, sweat and tears! Some folks are Outright NEEDY. I tell you what, I’m not giving smiles. Nope my smiles are for selfies.
Insert prayer:
LAWD, please help me to love exercising. LAWD, specifically, if you could lend me your Cardio Warriors to get me through this journey, I swear I will…(Hmmm, I have to ponder a fitting sacrifice…You know your child LAWD…). Amen.
Baby, the only thing I love is a brisk walk and stretching. I’m here for Pilates and Yoga. Cardio is the Joy Thief. Yes, I love the endorphins at the end. However, every motorist desire smooth roads but no one enjoys driving through construction zones. That’s what cardio feels like to me. Damn it!
Insert prayer:
LAWD, help me to visualize cardio as a loving friend to quell my rebellious spirit from wanting to reward myself with a slice of thin crust pizza, from The Pizzeria, after conquering the gym’s treadmill assault. Help me, LAWD, I can smell and taste it now. That grandma’s slice is sinfully DELICIOUS. (Okay, I have a sacrifice, oh never mind, that sacrifice, I would certainly fail…I’ll keep thinking. You know your child LAWD…). Amen.
As if the bounds of TMI were not already crossed, I have to share the following but first, another prayer is required.
Insert prayer:
LAWD, forgive the women in my life who failed to shepherd me and other newly menopausal women into preparedness. I must believe they did not hear your call. Forgive them for not thinking of others but, leading us to and leaving us in the Menopause Wilderness to needlessly suffer. You know your child LAWD, thank you for making me delete what I really wanted to say. Won’t YOU Do It! Amen.
Let’s return to my cardio trauma exacerbated by menopause; I had every intention to do 5 miles on the treadmill. My settings were set. I was determined. Just as I was nearing my first mile, somehow the menopause demons tracked me down. My body told me that we could not do 5 miles, or a mile. I fought those demons.
I made it to a mile but my deodorant left me unarmed. I pushed past 1 mile, for a quarter mile more and that’s when I swear, Satan himself holding the hands of the menopause demon, together, they assaulted my olfactory receptors with a smell straight from hell. I heard you LAWD, you said My Child lower your arms. I did. I tried to remain on that treadmill but cursed with a keen sense of smell, I succumbed. Defeated by the Funk.
A new kind of Secret is needed. For example, a battle-ready deodorant with thermo-active ingredients! Menopause requires showering before the workout, showering during the workout, showering immediately after the workout, then after the nap, and again if one is expecting to be in the company of others. Other menopausal women are willing to tell you about the sweating, but leave out the funkiness.
Ironically, in comparison to other women, my doctor told me that my menopause symptoms are moderately mild and to be grateful that at 53 years old, that I have just begun to experience menopause.
Insert Prayer:
LAWD, forgive me for my dramatics and complaining. YOU know your child; I will do it again. Therefore, forgive those secretive women about menopause. LAWD, eliminate menopause’s stronghold over every one of them. Reduce their symptoms. Ease their burden. Return to them, a body that generously produces enough endorphins to balance out any ailments she experiences because of menopause or other. AMEN. AMEN, Again & Again.
I don’t wish menopause on anyone! By the way, exercise and yes, cardio helps to ease some of the dreadful symptoms.
Insert Prayer:
LAWD, I want to slap the $#!SSSH out of EVE, please remove this overwhelming feeling from my heart. LAWD, Apples. I will sacrifice eating apples! YOU know your child. LAWD, YOU know how much I love a nice warm slice of apple pie with a flakey crust and some crumble topping! I can smell and taste it now.
In the meantime, LAWD, I beg you to keep anyone named EVE away from me at least until I get past your birthday this year. LAWD, You know, every Thanksgiving and Christmas season, I always order some fresh pies from that North Babylon Deli.
I don’t want to be tested, LAWD! Amen.
